A question I struggle to find an answer to is at what point do I just accept this illness is a part of my life versus constantly waiting for things to get better? There are two ways of thinking in my mind: hope and acceptance. In my situation, I find it’s a constant balancing act between the two, and I’ve tried to figure out how they go hand in hand in my daily life.
On one hand, I think I always have to hope that I am working towards a healthier future. Having hope that one of these treatments will be what finally makes all the difference. But on the other side, having some sort of acceptance of what my life is like now actually helps me avoid sitting in the depression that can come with having a chronic illness. There is a line I straddle between not being satisfied with this life, but also being happy with where I’m at. If I woke up every day angry that I feel so terrible, I wouldn’t be able to move through the day enjoying the little things in life. However, if I don’t have hope things will get better, then will they ever?
I believe our mind is so powerful and I don’t want to let myself give in to the thoughts of being stuck, but it’s hard to manage those two opposite feelings. As the years go on, I find that I have to fight harder to have the uplifting hope that it’ll get better. I don’t want to believe this will be my life forever, but I find myself asking the question: what if it is? I have to believe there is something better for me — something that I’m supposed to be learning from this experience — and when I’m older I’ll look back and understand it all so clearly. But I also don’t want to keep waiting for this day in the future when things will get better for me. I have to stop myself from being afraid to live in the present and make plans for my future, knowing I may never get better but that I can still have a fulfilling life.